grown up limericks

DEFROCK 

There’s defrocking and then there’s defrocking! 

One scars someone’s rep, and it’s shocking! 

The other is worse 

When a masculine nurse 

Strips Ms. patient and seems to be mocking.

MEDICARE!  

Sixty-five  An old geezer you are!

Only kidding! You’ve miles to go! Far

From childhood, tho

And I want you to know

Maturity’s like an armoire! 

The older it gets, that much better! 

Prized in fact, by the antiquing vetter! 

As you very well know 

If you watch the Roadshow 

(And believe what they say, to the letter—) 

Yes, the government knows of your worth 

(They might know—but won’t tell!—of your girth!)  

So to honor your birthy 

You’re Medicare-worthy! 

Hooray! For your time on this earth!

VOLODYMYR VS. VLADIMIR 

The two “V’s” are so little alike

That despite their names seeming to strike

A sibilant chord

It would be most untoward

To link’em ‘cuz we so dislike

The one with a consonant, not

A vowel in the first non-V spot

Yeah, Vlad’s a mad beast

Who deserves to be ceased

But Volodmyr? We’ll take what he’s got!

BRUSSELS SPROUTS

I just cannot face Brussels sprouts! 

Of that there can’t be any doubts 

There’s just something about’em 

(I do quite well without'em!) 

Yep, sprouts and me  are on the outs!  

“You’ll love’em with my recipe” 

More than one cook’s said assuredly— 

But when all’s said and done 

I have not enjoyed one 

Not from friends, restaurants, family.  

By the way, I’m a nonagenarian 

I eat meat, but could turn vegetarian 

If sprouts were a church 

I’d be left in the lurch-- 

An antidisestablishmentarian!

EVEREST

The Everest of my ambition

Never got any higher than wishin’

To do nothing at all

But let the chips fall

And spend every day goin’ fishin’!

One more rhyme and this  concerns Trump, he--

(The Everest of the wee hump) he--

May have nailed it that once

But his myriad stunts

Prophesy (fingers crossed!) Humpty Dumpty!

A MEANINGLESS TIDBIT

I had a great friend, Johnny Est

Who always did everything best

And whenever Est

Was put to the test

He left in the dust all the rest!

SUPER BOWL? Or SUPERB OWL

No matter the upshot this year 

You didn’t hear me moan or cheer 

‘Cause I’ve been obsessed

(And maybe you’ve guessed) 

With a plan for a new souvenir!  

It’s an owl! Yes, with piercing gold eyes 

And wings way too wide for its size 

Oh, it’s gorgeous! Superb! 

Please, don’t try to curb 

My excitement —just let me devise  

A whole marketing plan of attack 

This  'SUPERB OWL' —there’s no turning back! 

We’ll take over the ads 

And America's lads 

Will ask  “Whoo-ll be the winner?" Yak yak!  

Can’t you just hear the audience now? 

Right up to the last minute—wow! 

They’ll be yelling and “Whoo-ing” 

And some will be boo-ing 

Yeah! Superb Owl, come out! Take a bow!

CHILDHOOD

I always wrote “pomes” as a kid—-

It’s just about all that I did!

I filled empty times

With limericks and rhymes

Math? Geography? Heaven forbid!

And now that I’m grown and degreed, umm…

I see no evidence that kids need’em

But what really is worse is

When I write all these verses

I find grownups who can’t even read’em!

(Correctly!)

“There was a young lady from——-“ get it?

Just read it aloud; once you’ve said it,

The next lines? Piece of cake!

You can’t make a mistake——

Well,hallelujah, you’ve read it!

PAEAN (a song of praise)

O wad the pow’r the giftie gie us 

To paean us as others see us 

But heaven forbid 

If some well-meaning kid 

Misinterpreted it as to “wee” us!

CATASTROPHIZING  

As I’ve moved beyond 90 I find 

A bunch of new thoughts come to mind— 

Will I yield like my mom did 

Or stay the phenom kid 

For whom all the stars have aligned?  

Is my good mind beginning to slip? 

Dementia? Or only a blip 

When I cannot remember 

Or there’s just a mere ember— 

God help me! I’m losing my grip!  

Well, I tell this to some of my pals 

And one of the social work gals 

Says: It’s not surprising 

You’re just catastrophizing 

And not going off of your rails!  

So now I’ve a new set of tools: 

(The kind I did not get in schools!) 

Accept what you get 

And don’t unduly fret 

Catastrophizing’s for fools!

HENPECKED

Why henpeck? Perhaps she was bored —

Perhaps her own ox had been gored?

Whatever and why

That poor victimized guy

Could be heard— on his knees—“Oh, dear Lord!”

UNINTENTIONAL NONDIMENSIONAL DEMENTIA 

and 

TORRENTS OF ABHORRENCE

Don’tcha love the above rhyming phrases?

Garrison Keillor is often outrageous

But these two, I find

Just stick in my mind

And if I could just be more courageous

I’d mail this response: Mr. K,

Word usage like these make my day!

But I fear I am timid—

And tho I won’t contact him, it

Will course through my brain anyway!

APRIL

(not a limerick)

“April is the cruelest month”

So T.S. Eliot said—-

He didn’t add (or did he?)

Which other month instead

Was better. No, we need it!

Its downpours bring the blooms

That let us love our hallways

(When we can leave our rooms!) 

Yes, I think we need the downpours 

And of course they’re needed too—- 

With no rain (and no April)

What would umbrellas do?

MEANDER

Odd word, don’t you think, is meander?

Look closer—-yeah, take a good gander!

Instead of an object

It should start with a subject

Or perpetrate grammatical slander!

So “meander” should thus be “I-ander”

If we, to the literate, pander

“Me” don’t go to the show

We don’t say, “Yes, me know”

In all frank and confessional candor.

Hmmmm, that makes we wonder anew….

And perhaps it has crossed your mind too

If you think of a word

That’s grammatically absurd…..

I’d love to hear about it from you!  

FETCHING

A lovely old fashioned word: fetching

Its meaning allows for such stretching!

As in "to fetch and carry"

Or: you're so fetching, let's marry!"

But (if you're angry) you just might be kvetching!

WE ARE "THEM"; "THEY" ARE US 

Look around that restaurant 

EVERYONE’s an immigrant!  

Diners, servers, busboys, cooks  

Once all garnered dirty looks!  

If not themselves, their folks for sure  

From people who thought themselves “pure”!  

I dare you—‘cause I’m sure you can’t  

Find one soul NOT an immigrant!***   

*** Except, of course, the Native American 

HICCUPS 

Big news! I have managed to pick up 

A cure for the much-dreaded hiccup: 

You’ll need a friend near you 

To talk—when you hear, you 

Will find no more hiccup will kick up! 

It depends on the art of surprise 

So let’s keep it between us, you guys—- 

Ask a question or two 

That comes out of the blue——- 

Like, “Do you put ketchup on fries?” 

Better yet: “What’s your uncle’s last name”? 

(Or….your aunt’s, or….your grandma’s—this game 

That so much startles you 

That your hiccups go back whence they came

SHIRTTAIL FIXATION

Often a shirttail relation

Is a source of one’s mental fixation

Which genealogically

If not very logically

Can lead to nonending frustration.

LET'S HIRE AMERICANS!

Is it racist to want an American

To answer a business phone where I can

Ask what I need

And get back up to speed

And not have  to fall back on—-Serutan?*

*Serutan was (maybe still is?) a laxative product said to cure whatever ailed one in the ‘olden’ days

EXUBERANCE

Not many words rhyme with exuberance

I can only think of “protuberance”

Still, they both kinda shoot out

And are real hard to mute out

If, like me, you have ants in your uberpants!

TRISKAIDEKAPHOBIA

Tho as poet I’m no paradigm

Surprise! I am able to rhyme

Triskaidekaphobia

With cobea, and obeah

But their meanings? Hmm....some other time!

And adding Frigge to the mix

Just makes a bit more I need fix

But at quarter to five

A.M., barely alive—

Gonna get me my black coffee fix!

SHMOOSING

Hi! Do you know the words “shmoose” and/or

“shmoosing”

Well, in this case they’re both introducing

A gal who writes rhymes

And spends most of her times

When she isn’t just shmoosing—producing!

CAFFEINE

People say I have energy, but

You should see me when I’m in a rut!

I’m logy…lethargic

My only cathartic

Bet you’ve already guessed, it is—-what?

A cup of good strong black caffeine

And I’m instantly UP, well I mean

I’m an energy ball

I can run down the hall

I’ve the get up and go of a teen!

Oh, I forgot to reveal: I’m no chicken!

It’s amazing I’m lively and kickin’!

With coffee I’m twenty

(Decaf: dolce far niente*)

Without coffee I’d be panic stricken!

*Dolce far niente: pleasant idleness

SHLEMIELS

A pair of most feminine eels

Were dying to try out high heels

But their teeters and totters

Made their dad sigh, “Oh, daughters,

Who would think I could raise

such shlemiels!”

SPLIT PANTS LIMERICK

The other day, in aerobic dance

I accidentally split my pants

They were old, they were thrift

Very cheap—like a gift—

Still—a most unwelcome new circumstance!

You’re prob’ly too young to recall

World War 2 (well now, aren’t we all?)

But they had a wise saying

That I keep “replaying”

And I’ll share it now, once and for all:

“Use it up, wear it out

Make it do—-do without”

That was the war’s wide assumption—

Nowadays it’s — conspicuous consumption!

So…I use it up, wear it out

Make it do, or do without

Regardless of peoples’ assumption!

But I have to admit, don’tcha see,

These split pants showed the world just a knee!

If it had been my keister

I might have been triste-er

So be sure to congratulate me!  

This next one was written on a lovely day—just hours before all hell broke loose in Chicago

WERE YOU ONE?

Were you one?

Who took advantage of Saturday’s sun? 

And decided to go out for fun?

Were you one?

Were you two?

A couple who took a walk, too

I passed you—all masked—but just knew 

That was you!

Were you three?

In the park before dark on a spree 

With maybe a little one—whee! 

Were you three?

Well,let’s hope that we get to be more— 

’Til at last there’s no need to count, or 

Stay away from our beautiful shore 

Or....keep score!

SPELLCHECK #1

Mr. Spellcheck, when you are detecting

Take care which weird words you’re correcting! 

(Or maybe you’re “Miz”

Sure, you probably is—)

But those spellings are mine: for effecting!

SPELLCHECK #2

“DENY MENU MONEY MO”—

Can you guess what that SHOULD read? I'll show! 

Word one should start “e”

Then another “e”, see?

We’ve another few stanzas to go!

We can’t skip verse two, which, like one, 

Shows that spellcheck’s still having its fun! 

How they came up with “menu”

Let me know if and when you

Have figured it out just for fun!

The third would have sounded like:”iney”— 

(No, not “inky”, s-c, kiss my heinie!

That isn’t polite, kids

But here it sounds right, kids—

Their change was a hoot, tho quite tiny!

And finally, here’s good ol’ “mo”!

Not a lotta new words they could show! 

If and when you decode

Everything that I showed—

Please, anyone, please let me know!

DENY MANY MINTY MOB

     (with thanks to Minna Taylor)

Eeny meeny miney mo—

Works fine, as these slang phrases go…..

But Minna’s spell check

Knocked the words all to heck

And through me she is letting you know

Hers emerged as a bona fide phrase!

“Deny many minty mob”—and  these days,

A Madigan guy

Says “Here’s mud in your eye”

And sends them along on their ways!!!!!

TEENY WEENY MONEY MOM 

     (with thanks to a friend) 

Spellcheck’s just so crazily varied! 

We thrusted, and it has just parried 

Eeny meeny miney mo


Is butchered every time, you know


if a birth, we would say it miscarried! 

Which is specially useful for this 

‘Cause “Mom’s” in a state of real bliss! 

She’s little, we see


But is rich!  Ah, oui oui


Let us end this whole verse with a kiss! 

DEDICATED TO W.A.

A personal, computer guru


Is definitely not gonna cure you


Of your problems, but try


Cause I’ve got such a guy—-


If you don’t, oh my friend, I say “Poor you”!