There’s defrocking and then there’s defrocking!
One scars someone’s rep, and it’s shocking!
The other is worse
When a masculine nurse
Strips Ms. patient and seems to be mocking.
Sixty-five An old geezer you are!
Only kidding! You’ve miles to go! Far
From childhood, tho
And I want you to know
Maturity’s like an armoire!
The older it gets, that much better!
Prized in fact, by the antiquing vetter!
As you very well know
If you watch the Roadshow
(And believe what they say, to the letter—)
Yes, the government knows of your worth
(They might know—but won’t tell!—of your girth!)
So to honor your birthy
Hooray! For your time on this earth!
VOLODYMYR VS. VLADIMIR
The two “V’s” are so little alike
That despite their names seeming to strike
A sibilant chord
It would be most untoward
To link’em ‘cuz we so dislike
The one with a consonant, not
A vowel in the first non-V spot
Yeah, Vlad’s a mad beast
Who deserves to be ceased
But Volodmyr? We’ll take what he’s got!
I just cannot face Brussels sprouts!
Of that there can’t be any doubts
There’s just something about’em
(I do quite well without'em!)
Yep, sprouts and me are on the outs!
“You’ll love’em with my recipe”
More than one cook’s said assuredly—
But when all’s said and done
I have not enjoyed one
Not from friends, restaurants, family.
By the way, I’m a nonagenarian
I eat meat, but could turn vegetarian
If sprouts were a church
I’d be left in the lurch--
The Everest of my ambition
Never got any higher than wishin’
To do nothing at all
But let the chips fall
And spend every day goin’ fishin’!
One more rhyme and this concerns Trump, he--
(The Everest of the wee hump) he--
May have nailed it that once
But his myriad stunts
Prophesy (fingers crossed!) Humpty Dumpty!
A MEANINGLESS TIDBIT
I had a great friend, Johnny Est
Who always did everything best
And whenever Est
Was put to the test
He left in the dust all the rest!
SUPER BOWL? Or SUPERB OWL
No matter the upshot this year
You didn’t hear me moan or cheer
‘Cause I’ve been obsessed
(And maybe you’ve guessed)
With a plan for a new souvenir!
It’s an owl! Yes, with piercing gold eyes
And wings way too wide for its size
Oh, it’s gorgeous! Superb!
Please, don’t try to curb
My excitement —just let me devise
A whole marketing plan of attack
This 'SUPERB OWL' —there’s no turning back!
We’ll take over the ads
And America's lads
Will ask “Whoo-ll be the winner?" Yak yak!
Can’t you just hear the audience now?
Right up to the last minute—wow!
They’ll be yelling and “Whoo-ing”
And some will be boo-ing
Yeah! Superb Owl, come out! Take a bow!
I always wrote “pomes” as a kid—-
It’s just about all that I did!
I filled empty times
With limericks and rhymes
Math? Geography? Heaven forbid!
And now that I’m grown and degreed, umm…
I see no evidence that kids need’em
But what really is worse is
When I write all these verses
I find grownups who can’t even read’em!
“There was a young lady from——-“ get it?
Just read it aloud; once you’ve said it,
The next lines? Piece of cake!
You can’t make a mistake——
Well,hallelujah, you’ve read it!
PAEAN (a song of praise)
O wad the pow’r the giftie gie us
To paean us as others see us
But heaven forbid
If some well-meaning kid
Misinterpreted it as to “wee” us!
As I’ve moved beyond 90 I find
A bunch of new thoughts come to mind—
Will I yield like my mom did
Or stay the phenom kid
For whom all the stars have aligned?
Is my good mind beginning to slip?
Dementia? Or only a blip
When I cannot remember
Or there’s just a mere ember—
God help me! I’m losing my grip!
Well, I tell this to some of my pals
And one of the social work gals
Says: It’s not surprising
You’re just catastrophizing
And not going off of your rails!
So now I’ve a new set of tools:
(The kind I did not get in schools!)
Accept what you get
And don’t unduly fret
Catastrophizing’s for fools!
Why henpeck? Perhaps she was bored —
Perhaps her own ox had been gored?
Whatever and why
That poor victimized guy
Could be heard— on his knees—“Oh, dear Lord!”
UNINTENTIONAL NONDIMENSIONAL DEMENTIA
TORRENTS OF ABHORRENCE
Don’tcha love the above rhyming phrases?
Garrison Keillor is often outrageous
But these two, I find
Just stick in my mind
And if I could just be more courageous
I’d mail this response: Mr. K,
Word usage like these make my day!
But I fear I am timid—
And tho I won’t contact him, it
Will course through my brain anyway!
(not a limerick)
“April is the cruelest month”
So T.S. Eliot said—-
He didn’t add (or did he?)
Which other month instead
Was better. No, we need it!
Its downpours bring the blooms
That let us love our hallways
(When we can leave our rooms!)
Yes, I think we need the downpours
And of course they’re needed too—-
With no rain (and no April)
What would umbrellas do?
Odd word, don’t you think, is meander?
Look closer—-yeah, take a good gander!
Instead of an object
It should start with a subject
Or perpetrate grammatical slander!
So “meander” should thus be “I-ander”
If we, to the literate, pander
“Me” don’t go to the show
We don’t say, “Yes, me know”
In all frank and confessional candor.
Hmmmm, that makes we wonder anew….
And perhaps it has crossed your mind too
If you think of a word
That’s grammatically absurd…..
I’d love to hear about it from you!
A lovely old fashioned word: fetching
Its meaning allows for such stretching!
As in "to fetch and carry"
Or: you're so fetching, let's marry!"
But (if you're angry) you just might be kvetching!
WE ARE "THEM"; "THEY" ARE US
Look around that restaurant
EVERYONE’s an immigrant!
Diners, servers, busboys, cooks
Once all garnered dirty looks!
If not themselves, their folks for sure
From people who thought themselves “pure”!
I dare you—‘cause I’m sure you can’t
Find one soul NOT an immigrant!***
*** Except, of course, the Native American
Big news! I have managed to pick up
A cure for the much-dreaded hiccup:
You’ll need a friend near you
To talk—when you hear, you
Will find no more hiccup will kick up!
It depends on the art of surprise
So let’s keep it between us, you guys—-
Ask a question or two
That comes out of the blue——-
Like, “Do you put ketchup on fries?”
Better yet: “What’s your uncle’s last name”?
(Or….your aunt’s, or….your grandma’s—this game
That so much startles you
That your hiccups go back whence they came
Often a shirttail relation
Is a source of one’s mental fixation
If not very logically
Can lead to nonending frustration.
LET'S HIRE AMERICANS!
Is it racist to want an American
To answer a business phone where I can
Ask what I need
And get back up to speed
And not have to fall back on—-Serutan?*
*Serutan was (maybe still is?) a laxative product said to cure whatever ailed one in the ‘olden’ days
Not many words rhyme with exuberance
I can only think of “protuberance”
Still, they both kinda shoot out
And are real hard to mute out
If, like me, you have ants in your uberpants!
Tho as poet I’m no paradigm
Surprise! I am able to rhyme
With cobea, and obeah
But their meanings? Hmm....some other time!
And adding Frigge to the mix
Just makes a bit more I need fix
But at quarter to five
A.M., barely alive—
Gonna get me my black coffee fix!
Hi! Do you know the words “shmoose” and/or
Well, in this case they’re both introducing
A gal who writes rhymes
And spends most of her times
When she isn’t just shmoosing—producing!
People say I have energy, but
You should see me when I’m in a rut!
My only cathartic
Bet you’ve already guessed, it is—-what?
A cup of good strong black caffeine
And I’m instantly UP, well I mean
I’m an energy ball
I can run down the hall
I’ve the get up and go of a teen!
Oh, I forgot to reveal: I’m no chicken!
It’s amazing I’m lively and kickin’!
With coffee I’m twenty
(Decaf: dolce far niente*)
Without coffee I’d be panic stricken!
*Dolce far niente: pleasant idleness
A pair of most feminine eels
Were dying to try out high heels
But their teeters and totters
Made their dad sigh, “Oh, daughters,
Who would think I could raise
SPLIT PANTS LIMERICK
The other day, in aerobic dance
I accidentally split my pants
They were old, they were thrift
Very cheap—like a gift—
Still—a most unwelcome new circumstance!
You’re prob’ly too young to recall
World War 2 (well now, aren’t we all?)
But they had a wise saying
That I keep “replaying”
And I’ll share it now, once and for all:
“Use it up, wear it out
Make it do—-do without”
That was the war’s wide assumption—
Nowadays it’s — conspicuous consumption!
So…I use it up, wear it out
Make it do, or do without
Regardless of peoples’ assumption!
But I have to admit, don’tcha see,
These split pants showed the world just a knee!
If it had been my keister
I might have been triste-er
So be sure to congratulate me!
This next one was written on a lovely day—just hours before all hell broke loose in Chicago
WERE YOU ONE?
Were you one?
Who took advantage of Saturday’s sun?
And decided to go out for fun?
Were you one?
Were you two?
A couple who took a walk, too
I passed you—all masked—but just knew
That was you!
Were you three?
In the park before dark on a spree
With maybe a little one—whee!
Were you three?
Well,let’s hope that we get to be more—
’Til at last there’s no need to count, or
Stay away from our beautiful shore
Mr. Spellcheck, when you are detecting
Take care which weird words you’re correcting!
(Or maybe you’re “Miz”
Sure, you probably is—)
But those spellings are mine: for effecting!
“DENY MENU MONEY MO”—
Can you guess what that SHOULD read? I'll show!
Word one should start “e”
Then another “e”, see?
We’ve another few stanzas to go!
We can’t skip verse two, which, like one,
Shows that spellcheck’s still having its fun!
How they came up with “menu”
Let me know if and when you
Have figured it out just for fun!
The third would have sounded like:”iney”—
(No, not “inky”, s-c, kiss my heinie!
That isn’t polite, kids
But here it sounds right, kids—
Their change was a hoot, tho quite tiny!
And finally, here’s good ol’ “mo”!
Not a lotta new words they could show!
If and when you decode
Everything that I showed—
Please, anyone, please let me know!
DENY MANY MINTY MOB
(with thanks to Minna Taylor)
Eeny meeny miney mo—
Works fine, as these slang phrases go…..
But Minna’s spell check
Knocked the words all to heck
And through me she is letting you know
Hers emerged as a bona fide phrase!
“Deny many minty mob”—and these days,
A Madigan guy
Says “Here’s mud in your eye”
And sends them along on their ways!!!!!
TEENY WEENY MONEY MOM
(with thanks to a friend)
Spellcheck’s just so crazily varied!
We thrusted, and it has just parried
Eeny meeny miney mo
Is butchered every time, you know
if a birth, we would say it miscarried!
Which is specially useful for this
‘Cause “Mom’s” in a state of real bliss!
She’s little, we see
But is rich! Ah, oui oui
Let us end this whole verse with a kiss!
DEDICATED TO W.A.
A personal, computer guru
Is definitely not gonna cure you
Of your problems, but try
Cause I’ve got such a guy—-
If you don’t, oh my friend, I say “Poor you”!